FORGIVENESS

Zann Jacobrown

Chavurat Shir Hayam

September, 2007

Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, one of the founders of the Jewish Renewal movement, teaches that what connects the people of the world is far greater than what separates us. At a time when world events remind us daily of our differences and stories of war and discrimination threaten to strengthen them it seems fitting to contemplate that truth. One way to do so is to consider the concept of forgiveness. Not as you would expect, the forgiveness of others but, rather, forgiveness of ourselves. Because the rabbis teach us, one must start with oneself if one is to heal the world.

Of course, as anyone who has ever discussed something with a group of Jews knows, there are many Jewish “ways of thought” and many ways of living a Jewish life.  As an old joke says, “Ask a question of two Jews and you’ll get three opinions.”  But with that in mind, I will do my best to offer a Jewish perspective on forgiveness. I know it is shared by at least some of the members of Chavurat Shir Hayam, a Jewish congregation on Bainbridge Island and North Kitsap!

As we turn the corner of summer, Jews enter the High Holiday season, a time of setting an intention for our winter quiet so we can awaken renewed in the spring.  This year, the new moon of August signals the beginning of four weeks of forgiveness and introspection. Tradition tells us to search our souls each day to see what needs fixing, what habits aren’t serving us, whom we should ask for forgiveness.  Inevitably, if we are honest, there is suffering in this process. Who cannot look closely at his or her own behavior and attitudes and not feel some embarrassment or guilt?  But feeling that discomfort is a critical part of the process.  It is that discomfort that allows us to tear down our inner defenses. It is that discomfort that enables us to move past our ambition and our pride, past our need to be right and our need to be blameless. It isn’t easy to look deeply at behaviors and attitudes that we might wish we didn’t have. (If we weren’t so reluctant to do it, Jewish scripture would not have set aside a month for it every fall!) But, fortunately, what we find when we do look honestly inside is that our fear was worse than whatever negativity we found. And simply facing that fear has brought us a tremendous sense of relief!

The Baal Shem Tov, the great Jewish teacher of the 18th century, taught the same message. The Baal Shem believed that sorrow and broken-heartedness are our path into joy and spiritual connection. His teachings are full of ecstatic prayer, meditation, joyful dancing, laughter, and singing. He believed that each place we have missed the mark has within it, deeply enfolded in the muck of our mistakes, a holy spark. Our job is to release those sparks so they can rejoin the Endless Light. The way to do that is to call them by name and ask for forgiveness. 

But how do we know we deserve forgiveness?  If we have wronged someone, how do we know we will never wrong that person again? What if we forgive ourselves, but the person we wronged refuses to forgive us?  Rabbi Daniel Siegel, who with his wife Hannah will lead High Holiday Services for Chavurat Shir Hayam this year, is the Spiritual Director for ALEPH, the national Alliance for Jewish Renewal.  Last year, at a workshop on “Selichot,” Hebrew for forgiveness, Reb Daniel taught that the path of forgiveness, according to Jewish tradition, is actually quite straight forward.  We simply go to the person we have wronged, name what we have done, and say, “I regret doing this, I am embarrassed, I will strive never to do this again.”  If the person doesn’t forgive us, we go back three times.  If he or she still doesn’t forgive us, it doesn’t matter.  We are forgiven anyway.  If we do this process to the best of our ability, we can let the matter go. We will have done the work, released the sparks, made peace with ourselves, the world and with God.

Rabbi Zalman reminds us that doing that work, looking deeply inside, can cause us to suffer. But suffering, he says, is our wings. Our pain can help our souls fly.  It is our broken hearts that open us to what is most vital, most loved, and most important. Viewed that way, the act of forgiving ourselves is, indeed, a path into joy and spiritual connection. Viewed that way, how can we blame anyone who has caused us pain?  How can we not forgive anyone, even ourselves?